Hi friends,
It suddenly feels like autumn in Paris. That’s the funny thing about seasonality in the city. One day you’re sweating from day to night then the next you’re reaching for your space heater.
August 29th marked my four year anniversary of living in Paris. In many ways, I equivocate it to my « senior year » as an expat. I built, fought, and sacrificed so much to stay here throughout the years, so I wanted to take the time to reflect not only on the highs and the lows but also the transformative experience rooted in my struggle and dream to build a life abroad.
After years of working in the entertainment industry and finally landing my first few jobs in fashion, I moved to Paris at 27 with my savings and a one year plan. I didn’t know if I’d want to stay abroad. I just knew that I wanted to try living outside my LA bubble and the timing was either now or never. So at the end of August 2022, I packed two suitcases and brought my mom with me to help me move. She has never been to Paris before but she was super excited about her only daughter living in the world’s fashion capital. The first six months were extremely rocky and the culture shock hit me hard but ultimately I found the challenge worthwhile and my new group of friends kept me motivated to stay.
From masters student to intern to job seeker to full-time employee, I’ve lived many lives within the first few years I’ve lived abroad. Every chapter brought a new challenge, every struggle revealed a new strength.
As you might already know, this year was particularly traumatic with the sudden loss of my father. Something I’m still processing and trying to heal from. Up until that moment, my personal life had been relatively stable and consistent. I could withstand the chaos of building a new life from scratch because of the stability I had back home. At the end if the day, I knew if it didn’t work or if I didn’t want to stay, my parents, my rocks, would be there for me waiting at home in LA.
Now I’ve been navigating not only another year abroad but also the journey of grief in all its forms and in many ways, it feels just as foreign. I know that social media normally only shows the best parts, the aesthetically curated moments of my life abroad, so I wanted to take the time to share the behind the scenes and the lessons I learned about about friendships, dating, personal style, self-care, sacrifice, and grief.
Friendships:
When I first arrived in Paris, having a strong network and community of friends was my biggest priority. Luckily, I found it relatively easy to make friends. Through my masters program, my internship, jobs, and mutural friends, I never found myself lonely for not having enough friends.
But overtime, I’ve learned that friendship like all things, change with time. Some deepen, some fade away, some hibernate only to bloom at a later date. What I’ve learned while building my social circles from scratch:
Hosting is a great way to build community. I’ve hosted Friendsgiving, Galentine’s Day, Lunar New Year, Cookie Decorating, and more throughout the years to create shared memories and make a house feel like a home.
Friendships take time to deepen. Invest and learn to love the love language of others.
Not everyone matures at the same time. Not everyone has good intentions. Learn to know when to let go.
Vulnerability will either strengthen or dissolve a friendship. But mostly there’s no such thing as too heavy of an emotion when it comes to a good friend.
Paris is a transient city. People come and go. Over the years, I’ve said goodbye to many friends who either found other opportunities outside Paris or decided Paris was not for them. Everyone is on their own journey and timing.
Expat friendships have a deep bond of shared understanding and struggle. For my friendships that have survived here over the years, we share a stronger connection because of the challenges, culture shock, and administrative hoops we’ve had to learn to jump together.
Dating:
I feel like everyone has their preconceived notions as to what it would be like to date as an expat. For some, the grass may seem greener on the other side. For others, it doesn’t really change the playing field.
During my first few years living abroad, I didn’t really prioritize dating. I wanted my own stability and my own circle of friends more than anything else first. I cherished my independence and a freedom to build my own identity here. When I did really start to date, I feel like I threw everything against the wall. I’ve had good dates and bad dates. I’ve been ghosted and I’ve ghosted.
The longer I’ve stayed single the harder I feel it can be to put in the effort and intention to meet someone. For the most part, I really enjoy my own company but ultimately I believe in long-term companionship and I continue to hold onto hope that love in its purest, deepest form is worthwhile. What I learned about dating while living abroad:
The first date is actually date zero. It’s just to see if this person can even commit to a day, place, and time.
Love bombing is a red flag. Either call it out or walk away.
Consistency does not equal honest intentions. Just because they are consistent doesn’t mean they wants the same things.
Show curiosity first. The most interesting people ask questions more than they actually speak.
Attachment should be earned over time. Anything less is simply a projection or imagination.
Personal Style:
Looking back at my outfits that I wore when I first moved here, I can see how much my style has changed from clearly a girl who never experienced winter before to a woman who knows how to adapt to Paris’ bipolar weather.
Ways my style has evolved:
I wear jeans now! Normally I prefer skirts or dresses, but this year I started wearing my brother’s old Lucky Brand jeans from high school and I love to pair them with my new ballerinas from Jonak.
I also wear a watch now. I don’t know why wearing a watch feels so European but it just does. My thrifty friend Clara gave me one she found on vinted.
From micro bags to shoulder bags. I used to loveeee a micro bag and still do but since moving to Paris, it’s more practical to have a bag that you can be out all day in. Something that holds a water bottle, umbrella, and all the essentials. My LEMAIRE fortune croissant bag has been my go to.
My growing coat collection. Something I didn’t have when I moved to Paris was winter clothes. Most of mine are thrifted or second hand.
Beauty in the details, accessories, jewelry, belts etc. Hair accessories are my latest obsession. More on this later…
Self-Care:
It’s easy to be constantly out in a city like Paris. There’s always something to do, a friend to see, or an adventure to go on. My social battery is quite high and I can easily fill my whole month in advance with social plans. There’s nothing that brings me more joy than having a nice catch up chat with a friend over coffee or tea. Being present in the moment with someone is the best feeling, but with life moving so fast, I realize I’m not always present for myself. I let the burn out creep up on me and then I crash. So here are some ways I’ve tried to slow down:
Journaling is my first go to. I like to write recaps each week about what I did, who I saw, and what I felt during the week.
Pamper evenings: My British friend got me into this weekly routine of taking care of myself from head to toe. She calls them everything showers: exfoliating, skincare, nails, and hair care.
Time offline is so important but so hard to find nowadays. Do not disturb is my go to for burn out.
Discovering new hobbies outside of my usual world in fashion has been my greatest joy these days. Tennis, rock climbing, and getting back into dance have been my favorite outlets this summer.
One of the main reasons why I rarely feel homesick is because I quickly learned how to cook the same meals that my dad cooked for me growing up back home. Grocery shopping in Paris can be a little bit more tedious than shopping in LA but normally, I can find most ingredients that I use back home. I just have to hop around multiple stores to track down all my ingredients.
Personally, I really enjoy cooking. I feel like it’s one of my biggest forms of self-care and it also was necessary to survive on a student budget when I first moved here.
Meal Prepping: I keep a running list of dishes, recipes, and baked goods that I pull from when I’m trying to plan what to eat for the week. This way, I only buy what I know I’m going to eat and I don’t have to think about what my next meal is going to be.
Community: Cooking for myself is one form of self-care; cooking for others is my love language.
Nostalgia and identity: No matter how far away from home I am, nothing brings me more comfort than a simple bowl of udon. My childhood, my student days, and now my years as a expat all go back to this one comfort meal that my dad used to make for us as a family.
Sacrifice:
It’s true what they say that dreams come with a price. Initially, I thought this price would mostly be financial since I made a bet on myself that I could pull this off at least for one year. I have always been a saver and I wanted my new life abroad to also be fully financially independent. I paid for my own masters in full and I created a spreadsheet to estimate my cost of living and to see how long I could stretch my savings for.
But what I didn’t know is that the sacrifice of living abroad would come in other forms: missed weddings, funerals, and holidays with the family. The longer I stayed, the more I learned that my sacrifice to live abroad goes beyond money:
Spending holidays alone is probably one of the worst parts of expat life but it became part of my norm at least for now.
Maintaining long distance friendships is hard but ultimately worthwhile and not impossible.
Navigating French administration is not for the weak. With time and persistence, it will get done but nothing happens without pushing for it.
Finding comfort in the uncomfortable. Assimilating means letting go of your own identity and leaving space for adapting to other ways of thinking and values beyond my own.
Redefining what a « good standard of living means ». To some accepting a lower salary could never be justified but I was willing to do whatever it took to continue my residency.
So much of my identity feels split between two worlds: Paris and LA. It’s a blessing to be able to live out the life that I chose for myself but in many ways I traded one identity for another and my two lives sometimes feel worlds apart both in lifestyle and mindset.
Grief:
The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. The deeper the grief, the darker the shadow. A piece of myself feels like it evaporated when my dad passed away and I know there’s nothing on this earth that can fill this void that I carry. I’m still at the beginning of my journey with grief and trying to navigate it while living abroad feels like a trying to navigate a new life in itself. It’s only been eight months since I got the call that changed my world and here’s what I learned about grief so far:
Grief is not linear. The five stages of grief might be a universally understood summary but in my case, grief doesn’t feel like going through phases. It feels like trying to hang onto someone who isn’t here anymore.
It’s okay to not know what you want or what you need.
Asking for help is essential to feeling less alone.
Everyone shows support differently.
The grief never really goes away. Life continues to grow around it.
I know based on social media, my life may look like a dream and in many ways it is. I got to build a life for myself based on a dream that I had since college. I was also lucky to have a stable living situation during my past four years in Paris since you just never know what the future holds. My investment in my dream and my highly researched gamble paid off in ways that I didn’t even know were possible but at the same time, I also lost precious time with my dad that I didn’t even know I were slipping away. All my life, I never had any regrets but now my regrets and joys live side by side.
From suffering through this summer’s heat wave with no AC to spending Christmas alone, life as an expat in Paris is not for the weak. For the first few years, there were big milestones like landing my first job and finally getting a copy of my masters in the mail. Every small win felt like a huge accomplishment, everyday I managed to survive and call my friends and family back home to share with them what I learned felt like an adventure unfolding. So for now, I choose to stay not because it’s easy but because it’s a life where I’m always learning something new. Where I find beauty in self-discovery and fulfillment in applying the lessons I learned back home to grow and live a life worth living.
As always, thanks for reading.
Until next time ~
Kiana
Epilogue:
At 25, my dad moved from suburban Seattle, Washington to LA to start his jewelry business with just a few designs and some small savings. He met my mom through friends and they got married while my mom built a career as a Graphic Designer. They were a solid partnership and we lived the All American Dream. While my dad taught me design, cooking, and ambition, my mom taught me style, hospitality, and creativity. They balanced each other and they are the reason why I dared to dream beyond my hometown in LA. I like to think that it’s generational courage that led me here and that my story is just a link in a longer chain between my evolution, my ancestors who came before, and the future unfolding in front of me.
